An Internal Conversation About Marriage.... Should We or Shouldn't We

As most people, I live in my head. A LOT. Too much really. I have all kinds of conversations with people--in my mind-- that will never happen in real life for one reason or another. In my mind the conversations can go the way that I intend. My tone is correct, my words are well thought out and the other person/people involved in the conversation are thoughtful and it always ends positively. Wouldn't that be GREAT? I think so. In real life, I tend to avoid conversations for several reasons. It takes a ton of energy just to control my facial expressions, because I am an expressive person and that can get in the way of my intentions. My tone of voice can come across as condescending and judgmental, even if that is not the case at all. Being the only female, living with 3 males, defensiveness is the initial reaction I get, even when trying to have a positive, proactive conversation. So, I have kept a LOT inside. Anyway.. today while getting ready for church I had a great conversation in my head. I came up with what I think are some really great thoughts for those contemplating engagement and marriage. My sons are both "adults".  I can't quite say that without the quotes yet. Maybe someday. Anyway.. my internal conversation went like this:

Son:  What do you think of me proposing to my girlfriend? (This would NEVER happen in reality.)
Me:  WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???? (This was said internally within my internal conversation.) 

After some thoughtful contemplation, this was my response within my imaginary conversation:

Me:  Well, Are you the person that you would want your girlfriend to be married to for the rest of her life?
Son:  Of course, I want to be her husband.
Me:  I mean are you, right now, the person that you think that she deserves to live with for the rest o her life? Not you in a general sense. YOU.  Your thoughts, feelings, actions, relationships, communication style, the way you handle situations, etc, all of the things that make up you right now. Is that the person that you think that your girlfriend deserves to have as her husband for the rest of her life? If you aren't. That is what you should be working on until you become that person.

That is where the conversation in my head ended, because...come on... THAT IS GOOD! I wish that I had done this back in the day, when I was 18, 19, 22.... I was a bit impressed with myself. Obviously that is what we would do in a perfect world. As a mom of boys, I have always discouraged pre-teen and teen relationships. I want my sons to become the men that God has planned for them to be BEFORE they got involved in serious relationships, so that they would each attract the kind of woman that is attracted to THAT man. So that they would have some of the same passions and pursuits and are attracted to the adult versions of one another. As adults, we know how much change we experience from our high-school self to our adult self. Depending on our age, we also know that we change a lot from our 18-25 year-old self to our 30 year old self and 35 and 50.  My prayer has always been for my boys to find someone that their adult self is compatible with and passionate about.

So my next thought was. After evaluating whether you are the person (in all of those ways) that your girlfriend/boyfriend deserves to be married to for the rest of their life, a second--more difficult question to consider with honesty... Is your girlfriend/boyfriend the person--right now-- that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Of course, this will be an automatic and resounding YES. But get past that. Think of all of the things that you wish you could change about that person. And be COMPLETELY HONEST with yourself. 

Going into marriage thinking that those things will go away and change is one of the BIGGEST MISTAKES people make. Marriage does not fix those things about our significant other that we wish we could change... marriage BRINGS THOSE THINGS OUT EVEN MORE. So, until the only things that bother you about your significant other are minimal and minor, my answer is NO. You should not get engaged. 

Before getting engaged and planning a wedding (a marriage) you should make sure that you are the person that the other person deserves to have as a spouse for the rest of their life. You should be working on yourself to become the best version of you that you can be. Relationships outside of your girlfriend/boyfriend are CRUCIAL. Do you have friends that you hang out with on a regular basis? Your only relationship should NOT be the one between you and your bf/gf. That is not healthy and leads to co-dependency. Do you have friends that you trust to be honest with you and have your best interest in mind? Are you responsible with money? Time? Commitments? How do you handle conflict? How do you react to situations/people that make you angry?  If you are a Christian, how is your relationship with God? How is your relationship with your family? Do your parents, friends, mentors think that you are ready to be a husband/wife? If you don't know. Ask. If you ask, be ready to hear honest feedback and reflect and think about what you are hearing. Don't get defensive and argue about what you hear. Allow that feedback to soak in and contemplate the truth in what you hear. Are you hearing the same thing from several people?

Marriage is a MONUMENTALLY, ENORMOUSLY HUGE step. As a Christian, I believe that marriage is "until death do us part" (except in specific circumstances). I don't not embrace society's view that marriages can, and ought to be disposed of easily. I like what Dr. Phil says about having to work your way out of a marriage. Marriage takes work. The more rose-colored glasses we go into a marriage wearing, the more work it is going to take to make the marriage work. So, I am encouraging anyone considering it, to be real about yourself and about the person you are with. Do the work to be the person that you are meant to be and be patient to allow yourself to find the right person for you.

#marriage #sons #momofboys #imaginaryconversations #personalgrowth #boyfriend #girlfriend #propose #christian

The Biggest First Step in Combating Mental Health Issues in Kids and Teens

*This post is cross-posted on my school counseling blog. https://itsaschoolcounselorthing.blogspot.com/

The other day I was listening to a podcast about mental health in schools. The podcaster talked about the mental health crisis in schools and some things that can be done about it. He believes, as do I, that schools need more mental healthcare professionals on campuses. He talks about the benefits of parents connecting with their kids and knowing what is going on in the lives of their kids. The benefits of medicine are discussed. I agree with all of that. Sometimes people need medication as a short-term reboot or as a life-long care. I absolutely believe that our campuses need more support for the mental health of our students. As a high school counselor, I do not have the time or resources to be able to address a fraction of the mental health issues with which my students struggle. The need for parents to make an intentional effort to connect with their children is epic. There is absolutely a time for medication, but there are also other strategies that can be tried before that time arrives.

While listening to this podcast, while I agreed with what was said, I felt like there was something missing. In my office I talk with students on a daily basis about depression, stress, and anxiety. I hear about suicide ideation on a weekly basis, if not daily. Our kids are struggling! To be honest, our adults are struggling too. Anxiety, depression and stress are at an all-time high. Google it. It’s true. Why? What is causing this level of mental health issues? I haven’t conducted any studies or done copious amounts research. I don’t really feel like I need to. I am in the field, sometimes down in the trenches with our students.

It will come as no surprise, or it shouldn’t, when I say that I believe that “Access” is the number one contributor to the crisis we are facing. I would say social media, but I believe it is even bigger than that. Our children, as young as toddlers playing on iPads, have access to the internet. The internet allows our children to access information 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Anytime. Anything. It is a double-edged sword. I love being able to “Google” things anytime I have a question or want more information about something. Curious minds of children and teens can allow them to see things and learn things that can be detrimental to their well being and cannot be unseen or unlearned. That is where parenting comes in. The word parent is a noun AND a VERB. A VERB is an action word. In the instance of parent, it would be “the act of being a parent, to parent, to be parenting”. ACTION. That means we are doing something as parents to teach, protect, nurture, encourage and all of the things that it takes to raise children in a healthy environment.

I believe that the reversal of the mental-health epidemic that we are experiencing starts in the home. (I do believe that there are mental illnesses that are not caused by access to the internet or social media. Absolutely. Those that are hereditary or biological are not what I am addressing.) It is my belief, that children and teens should not have access to electronics for at least an hour before they go to bed until they are ready for school the next morning. Here are my reasons:

• Our children/teens are not getting the sleep that they need. They are always attuned to when notifications go off on their phones, so they are sleeping more lightly and not getting the REM sleep that their minds and bodies need.
• Our children/teens are never “unplugged” when they have access during the night. There is never a “down” moment where they aren’t able to access what others are doing/posting/saying and how they can respond; or to check how many likes or comments they have received on their own posts. 
• In the middle of the night, inhibitions are lowered. Lack of sleep will allow people to engage in conversations and activities that wouldn’t normally be considered. 

Will your child/teen be happy with you when you institute this new way of life? Not outwardly, and definitely not at first. You may experience an episode that makes you wonder if your son or daughter has been possessed by Satan. It’s okay. They may be mad at you and relentlessly badger you to go back to the old way of life. Don’t give in! It is very often that the right and best thing to do is the most difficult. I have had students in my office tell me that they wished their parents would do this and that they notice a difference in how they feel when they are on “phone restriction”. Stay the course. Over time, you will notice a more relaxed, confident and engaged version of your child/teen. Isn’t it at least worth a try if it could make a significant difference in your child/teen’s life? Give it a month trial run and keep track of the progress that is made and the changes that you see. Talk to your children about the reasons behind the decision and ask them about the differences that they notice when they are unplugged at night and getting better sleep. I would wager that there will only be positive results.

Also note, before instituting this new way of life, you may need to dig out that old alarm clock or buy a new one. One of the favorite arguments used against parents is, “I need my phone (or whatever device) to listen to music to fall asleep.” Viola! Alarm clock radio! They may need to be taught how to tune into their new favorite radio station and how to set the alarm clock.

Stay Strong Parents!!!

Please let me know how it goes or if you need extra support in instituting the unplugged at night lifestyle.

My Takeaway from the "Rachel Hollis Presents Made For More" Movie

Waiting for the show to start.

I went to the Aug 13 showing of Rachel Hollis Presents Made for More. The documentary was great. It made me wish that I had been at the live event. Next time there is one, I will be there. I’m just trying to decide if I want to go to the closest one to me or use it for an excuse to get away for a long weekend. So, I bought tickets for myself and a friend. She bailed on me for a really good reason. Franklin Graham was in town and her husband really wanted to go to that. I can’t begrudge her that opportunity. Then my back up bailed on me too. I kind of saw that coming. Well, that opened up the opportunity for me to guild my husband into coming with me. A lot of husbands could not be convinced to go to something like this with their wives. My husband is really truly amazing. He loves me and will do just about anything for me. I am not going to lie, after hearing Dave Hollis on last Thursday’s Rise Together Podcast, I WANTED my husband to go so that he could hear Dave’s perspective. I was a tad disappointed. I was hoping that the whole presentation from the podcast would be included, but it was cut down quite a bit. All hope is not lost however. My husband did mention that what Dave had said was impactful. So, I did just text him the link to the whole podcast in hopes that he will listen and and hear and let Dave’s words and the truth behind them sink in.

What was my take away? Well…. I have a lot of goals. Most are not extravagant. I did just achieve one of the biggest goals I have ever set for myself. My goals are more like getting out of debt, decluttering my house, being able to travel, and having an incredible marriage and relationships with my children. Rachel suggests choosing 1 goal to work on at a time. As you work to achieve that goal and be the best that you can be in that area, all of the other areas in your life tend to also improve as your intentionality seeps into other important areas of your life.

My problem isn’t lack of goals or information or knowing what I need to do. I lack motivation to get started and to stick with it. Rachel said something about motivation and I meant to write it down when I got in the car, but I don’t remember what she said! It was something to the point of you just have to make yourself do it. But she said it in a much better way. What she did say that really resonated with me was so simple and I am appalled that I never considered it before. With me it’s usually all or nothing. She challenged everyone to pick one goal and brainstorm things that you can do to move you toward that goal and then pick the one thing that will have the biggest impact and do that for one hour per day for 5 days a week. ONE. HOUR. PER. DAY. I can do that. Of course that is to get you started and the idea is that that one hour will turn into whatever it takes to reach the goal. But I can start with one hour per day to work toward something that is going to greatly improve my quality of life.

For now, I am choosing something that shouldn’t take years to accomplish (getting out of debt will). I am going to work toward MY GOAL of decluttering my house. Dare I even say, my goal of becoming a MINIMALIST???? That seems like a dream more than a goal. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH ALL THE PAPER????

I was MADE FOR MORE than living in a house that overwhelms me when I look around. When I do decide to clean a room or a drawer or a closet my eyes are opened and the veil falls away. I start to see all of the things that need to be done and feel so overwhelmed that I raise that veil right back up and open my kindle. Not anymore. Today, for ONE HOUR, I will do something to begin the process of DECLUTTERING.

What is your goal? What’s the one thing you can start doing today that will get you closer to that goal? Can you commit one hour per day for 5 days a week to work toward it?

YES!!!!!! You really can! Let me know how it goes!

Shanna

Hashtags
#madeformoremovie #risetogetherpodcast #goals #declutter

Ponderings…

Wow.. It's been a long while since I have been here. Well, let's get right into it.

Last month a very good friend introduced me to the book Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I was like, sure… whatever… I’ll read it. OH. MY. WORD. I could not have imagined the internal change reading this book would invoke. Since reading the book (I actually took a break from the book to investigate things mentioned in the

book.) I have experienced something akin to an awakening. That sounds so incredibly corny, but I can’t think of a better word. Rachel’s book is great! Each of 20 chapter starts out with a lie that Rachel has told herself and how she combatted that lie and changed her thoughts and actions. The majority of it definitely resonated with me. While the book was AMAZING… the bigger affect the book had on me was through my explorations of some of the things mentioned in the book.

Here are some:

Body Love by Kelly Leveque--- GAME! CHANGER! My mom and I listened to this audiobook on a road trip and I couldn’t wait to get home and order it. It explains eating in a scientific, understandable way that MAKES SENSE! The day after I got home from our trip I put this information to use and have lost 8.2 pounds (in two weeks) and I feel great- energy wise- I still have a LOT of pounds to go.

Podcasts-- I used to listen to podcasts all the time. My favorite was New Life Live with Stephen Arterburn. I would listen in the car and when I worked out. New podcasts that I have discovered as a direct result of “meeting” Rachel Hollis are:

Rise Podcast by Rachel Hollis.. Basically about living your best life

Rise Together Podcast by Rachel and Dave Hollis.. Relationship advice from the Hollis’s. It is great! Full of fun and practical, tactical ideas for relationships.

Trailercast by Elyse Snipes.. Basically therapy information from a vintage trailer. Super Great!

Tony Robbins by….. Tony Robbins.. All kinds of great personal-growth information from all kinds of knowledgeable people.

Goal Digger by Jenna Kutcher.. Great information on redefining success and chasing dreams.

The Skinny Confidential Him & Her by Lauryn Evarts & Michael Bosstick… Lot’s of information about a lot of things pertaining to men and women. Most have an “Explicit” notation for language mostly.

And podcasts that I have discovered as an indirect result of “meeting” Rachel Hollis:

The Minimalists.. Living the minimalist life. It is so great and inspirational and I want to be a minimalist so bad. I hope that it motivates me to action!

Ted Talks Daily.. Ted Talks. You know. People that know things, talking about those things.

And my podcast subscription list seem to be growing daily.

So what do I and/or am I going to do with all of this information and sense of awakening? Well… I am not quite sure yet. I am starting out with developing some goals and I want to be very deliberate about putting a plan in place to work and achieve these goals. After listening to Brooke Castillo’s podcast, I am going to #BelieveHard that I am able to achieve what I set out to do. According to Rachel Hollis #HopeIsNotaStrategy so it’s going to take planning and hard work to get what I want more, rather than what I want right now!

To Be Continued...