As most people, I live in my head. A LOT. Too much really. I have all kinds of conversations with people--in my mind-- that will never happen in real life for one reason or another. In my mind the conversations can go the way that I intend. My tone is correct, my words are well thought out and the other person/people involved in the conversation are thoughtful and it always ends positively. Wouldn't that be GREAT? I think so. In real life, I tend to avoid conversations for several reasons. It takes a ton of energy just to control my facial expressions, because I am an expressive person and that can get in the way of my intentions. My tone of voice can come across as condescending and judgmental, even if that is not the case at all. Being the only female, living with 3 males, defensiveness is the initial reaction I get, even when trying to have a positive, proactive conversation. So, I have kept a LOT inside. Anyway.. today while getting ready for church I had a great conversation in my head. I came up with what I think are some really great thoughts for those contemplating engagement and marriage. My sons are both "adults". I can't quite say that without the quotes yet. Maybe someday. Anyway.. my internal conversation went like this:
Son: What do you think of me proposing to my girlfriend? (This would NEVER happen in reality.)
Me: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???? (This was said internally within my internal conversation.)
After some thoughtful contemplation, this was my response within my imaginary conversation:
Me: Well, Are you the person that you would want your girlfriend to be married to for the rest of her life?
Son: Of course, I want to be her husband.
Me: I mean are you, right now, the person that you think that she deserves to live with for the rest o her life? Not you in a general sense. YOU. Your thoughts, feelings, actions, relationships, communication style, the way you handle situations, etc, all of the things that make up you right now. Is that the person that you think that your girlfriend deserves to have as her husband for the rest of her life? If you aren't. That is what you should be working on until you become that person.
That is where the conversation in my head ended, because...come on... THAT IS GOOD! I wish that I had done this back in the day, when I was 18, 19, 22.... I was a bit impressed with myself. Obviously that is what we would do in a perfect world. As a mom of boys, I have always discouraged pre-teen and teen relationships. I want my sons to become the men that God has planned for them to be BEFORE they got involved in serious relationships, so that they would each attract the kind of woman that is attracted to THAT man. So that they would have some of the same passions and pursuits and are attracted to the adult versions of one another. As adults, we know how much change we experience from our high-school self to our adult self. Depending on our age, we also know that we change a lot from our 18-25 year-old self to our 30 year old self and 35 and 50. My prayer has always been for my boys to find someone that their adult self is compatible with and passionate about.
So my next thought was. After evaluating whether you are the person (in all of those ways) that your girlfriend/boyfriend deserves to be married to for the rest of their life, a second--more difficult question to consider with honesty... Is your girlfriend/boyfriend the person--right now-- that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Of course, this will be an automatic and resounding YES. But get past that. Think of all of the things that you wish you could change about that person. And be COMPLETELY HONEST with yourself.
Going into marriage thinking that those things will go away and change is one of the BIGGEST MISTAKES people make. Marriage does not fix those things about our significant other that we wish we could change... marriage BRINGS THOSE THINGS OUT EVEN MORE. So, until the only things that bother you about your significant other are minimal and minor, my answer is NO. You should not get engaged.
Before getting engaged and planning a wedding (a marriage) you should make sure that you are the person that the other person deserves to have as a spouse for the rest of their life. You should be working on yourself to become the best version of you that you can be. Relationships outside of your girlfriend/boyfriend are CRUCIAL. Do you have friends that you hang out with on a regular basis? Your only relationship should NOT be the one between you and your bf/gf. That is not healthy and leads to co-dependency. Do you have friends that you trust to be honest with you and have your best interest in mind? Are you responsible with money? Time? Commitments? How do you handle conflict? How do you react to situations/people that make you angry? If you are a Christian, how is your relationship with God? How is your relationship with your family? Do your parents, friends, mentors think that you are ready to be a husband/wife? If you don't know. Ask. If you ask, be ready to hear honest feedback and reflect and think about what you are hearing. Don't get defensive and argue about what you hear. Allow that feedback to soak in and contemplate the truth in what you hear. Are you hearing the same thing from several people?
Marriage is a MONUMENTALLY, ENORMOUSLY HUGE step. As a Christian, I believe that marriage is "until death do us part" (except in specific circumstances). I don't not embrace society's view that marriages can, and ought to be disposed of easily. I like what Dr. Phil says about having to work your way out of a marriage. Marriage takes work. The more rose-colored glasses we go into a marriage wearing, the more work it is going to take to make the marriage work. So, I am encouraging anyone considering it, to be real about yourself and about the person you are with. Do the work to be the person that you are meant to be and be patient to allow yourself to find the right person for you.
#marriage #sons #momofboys #imaginaryconversations #personalgrowth #boyfriend #girlfriend #propose #christian
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